I am just a simple caveman.
I do not understand the great mysteries of the universe, and I accept that I never will.
I realize that it’s up to me to make the best of my limited time in this place.
I seek to live my life in such a way as to make those I leave behind think fondly of me when I’m gone.
I believe in the power of love and the strength of human relationships, and all I ask for is the help and support of my tribe as I live out my best possible life.
Cavemanism is a religion without a god.
We seek to embrace the spirituality of our ancient ancestors, who had no gods because that idea hadn’t been invented yet. Instead of gathering in a church, our alter is the firepit. Our traditions are based on sitting around a fire together.
Let’s start by asking: what IS a religion? Very broadly, a religion is a collective way of thinking about spiritual matters. It’s a group-think choice to believe — or to NOT believe — in a wide range of spiritual questions, including god(s), other god-like beings, the afterlife, and our place in the universe. Most religions also include a lot of other stuff, too, such as lessons on ethics and morality, fashion guidelines, and celebratory rituals to mark important weekly, annual, and life-milestone events.
The spiritual beliefs which our members share are that all gods are imaginary and that death is the end. We also believe in being good people, and in loving and helping each other as much as we can in our limited time on a tiny planet in a vast, uncaring universe. In order to become a Caveman, you must share our beliefs... just like any other religion.
Some might claim our religion isn’t real because it’s all made up. Well, so is every other religion. Ours just happens to have been made up a lot more recently than most. But also, our religion isn’t actually new — it’s a re-discovery. We regard our traditions as being older than anyone’s!
Fire can indeed be dangerous, but even so it was of utmost importance to our ancient ancestors. Moreover, fire is fundamental to everything we have in our modern world. Fire makes everything happen, from the simple act of cooking to the fires that drive our engines and power our cities. Most important of all is the giant ball of fire in the sky that makes life on Earth possible. Everything depends on the energy we get from fire.
It was mastery of fire, a million years ago, which allowed us to evolve from Homo Erectus into modern man. Harnessing fire gave us the ability to cook food, a process which breaks down the nutrients within and makes them easier to digest. This meant our ancestors didn’t have to work as hard to process what they ate, and could devote more of their ever-growing brains’ abilities to other ideas.
Fire also gave early humans a reason to gather together in groups. Socializing around a campfire is the most fundamental element of civilization. Such fires made us who we are today, and that’s what our traditions are all based upon.
No. We consider the word “caveman” to be a gender neutral term, similar to the word human, not man. To help make this distinction, we like to put the emphasis on the first syllable when we pronounce the word Caveman, while de-emphasizing the second syllable.
We gather around a fire together and share the things that make life great... just as our earliest ancestors did. We are continuing a million-year tradition! We cook food over the fire, we make music, we dance, we tell jokes and stories, and we talk. We discuss everything from the issues of the day to the meaning of life. This is what it means to be a Caveman.
No. Although we traditionally share freshly roasted meat at our gatherings, in honor of our ancient forebears, it is not required that you participate in this ritual.
Yes. Again, it’s not a requirment, but sharing weed around the fire with your friends is one of our core rituals. Cannabis was known to early man and is a sacrament in our religion. Notice again the importance of fire: it takes heat to unlock this plant’s ability to enhance our enjoyment of this wonderful world. We believe that cannabis can help heal the body, open the mind, and expand our consciousness.
No, however, it’s very common among our people. Cavemen didn’t have scissors, so longer hair is an outward and visible sign of the Caveman’s religious affiliation. (Note that some Cavemen do choose to shave certain parts of their bodies, since ancient cavemen did have sharp obsidian blades that made shaving possible.)
Cavemen like to gather around a fire together on any night they can, but due to the structure of the modern world, it is typically traditional for the Caveman to build a fire on Saturday nights. Our main annual holiday is the winter solstice (which we call World Not Ending Day) when we celebrate the simple fact that the days are getting longer again and thus, the world is not ending. Traditionally, the biggest party of the year is held on the night of December 24th, three days after the solstice, when our primitive, clock-less ancestors could be certain that yes, the days were indeed getting longer again. This eventually turned into Saturnalia, and still later, Christmas. Notice that our core ritual is enshrined in the holiday tradition of the gathering ‘round the yule log.
We don’t know, and we’re OK with that. Modern religions tell us they know all the answers, however, their attempts to explain the unknown always invoke supernatural forces. Cavemanism teaches us to humbly accept that there are some things about Life and the Universe which we will never understand.
It’s a bummer, but we have no concept of anything beyond. Like gods and devils, heaven and hell are recent ideas in the grand history of our planet, and very strange to us. All we believe is that when you die, you are dead. There’s nowhere else to go. For this reason, we strive daily to enjoy our lives as much as we can.
Cavemanism has just 3 commandments, each exactly one word long.
Thinking is our most important rule. We are simple cavemen, but unlike the other animals of this planet, we are self aware. We must seek at every turn to rise above our primitive instincts and to use our brains fully. Love comes next, for loving one another is the surest way to finding mutual happiness. Third, lend a helping hand whenever you can, for we are all in this together and everyone needs a little help sometimes. To help each other is to help ourselves. The more we help our tribe, the stronger our tribe shall become.
Cavemanism is not an actual religion in any official sense. (A thousand years from now, Cavemanism will be one of the world’s foremost religions, but at the moment we’re still in the meme state.) To join, a person must simply declare to other Cavemen that they wish to become a member. When next they are gathered around a fire with other Cavemen, they will welcome the new member into the tribe and teach them the secret handshake and the “Six H” greeting. (There’s also a longer ceremony, involving the tending a campfire alone all night, through which a Caveman may attain the title of Tribal Elder.)
CONTACT: info@cavemanism.org
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